Over the last few weeks I have been rather silent on my blog. I chalked it up to the insanity of life, but I was wrong.
I spent a lot of time going through the motions over the last month not knowing why I was feeling a bit off. I didn’t think anything of my crazy life, or the way my heart was acting. If I had I may have been able to figure this out sooner but then again, if I am honest, which is the goal, right?, I was okay with the way I was going. With the way I was feeling. I was good with the broken places, I was comfortable with the broken, and I was not even aware that I was slipping into a place of losing hope.
I think it shocked me when I came face to face with the idea that I had lost hope, or maybe I was in the process of losing hope.
It’s not as though I intended to walk away from hope, or whatever was happening to me. It wasn’t like I woke up and thought- today is the day that I will begin losing hope. No, it came as a surprise to me. Sure, I think there were signs that had I been paying attention I could have caught, but nope, I didn’t see it coming.
Now don’t get all worried, I am not saying that I was losing faith, no, that would be a whole different conversation. This was an issue of letting my dreams slowly fade into the oblivion of wherever dreams go when they die. Okay, that sounded morbid, rather where dreams go when the person thinks there is no longer a reason to dream them. Does that make sense?
Mind you, I didn’t think my dreams were in need of life saving help, but when you don’t tend to them, when you don’t pray into them, when you don’t spend time approaching them and working toward them, yes, they die. Maybe not a real death. More like a staleness encompasses them.
Dreams are meant to be breathed into. To have the sunlight blaze on their face, to massage them into a workable idea. And I forgot how to do that.
If we are being super honest, it was just too hard. Too huge of a dream for this little person I am. Too much of a challenge, too many obstacles, too many…
Have you been there? The place where excuses pile up like cars in a junk yard. One on top of the other, more and more, until you don’t even know how to get to the bottom?
Excuses are the death to dreams.
It took me sitting down with the Word, not even really looking for the truth that was going to hit me in the face, but rather just getting my nose in the book, and BOOM! there it was.
Psalm 130. Yep, it was really was eight verses simple. I read this chapter and was smacked in the face with this simple truth. Hope.
The author starts out with this idea of crying out to God, crying out for help, salvation, and a bit of a rescue. He makes a point of saying to God that no one can stand if God accuses them of sin. Then in verse 4 the author changes his voice to declaring who God is and what God can do- But with you there is forgiveness.
The author keeps going and this is where it caught me by the heart:
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than the watchmen for the morning, more than the watchmen for the morning. O Israel, hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption.
That is what grabbed onto my heart in that moment, and it began to squeeze life back into it. Little did I know that God was indeed brewing in me more.
There are seasons in life where the valley walking is so thick and so weary that we tend to give up on any shred of light. We walk past the moments of joy with a rolling of our eyes and it seems like the air has been sucked out of every room. But really our hearts need to be brought back into the light. We need to have the Son shine on our situations, on our dreams and begin to build them again.
As I read those verses over and over again I was hit by the idea that hope comes from waiting. Think about it… if you got everything seconds after wanting it, there is not a lot of value to it. But if you spend six months saving for it, the value is brought into it but the waiting you endured to get said thing.
That is how it is with our dreams.
For me I began to allow the my dreams to die when I didn’t believe God could make them happen any more. I was losing hope of the future, I was losing hope of the dreams that God placed in me.
I may be alone in this thinking but we can grow weary in the waiting. We can begin to believe the lies that stir around us, and we stop shouting truths back to them. Instead, our voice of truth begins to dim and then before we know it, the voice goes quiet.
Hope, was for me, that knowledge that there is a future. Something to look forward to. But I think I had it all wrong. I am learning that hope is placing my trust in someone that can hold my dreams.
I love how Psalm 130 ends with O Israel, hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption. What a statement of hope. Of love. Of encouragement.
The author leaves us with a reminder to place our hope in the only place that can ever be strong enough, the only place that will ever be sure enough, the only place that will be confident enough to hold all we could ever dream. In God. And the author even one ups us on that by telling us that with the Lord there is steadfast love, and unending redemption.
And that is what our God is all about. Redemption. He is about taking what everyone else left for dead and breathing life into it. He is a God of miracles, but more than that He is a God who loves to love His kids.
He redeems what we think is too far gone, or what we have given up hope for. When we have lost all our hope for the dreams that we once dreamed, God will dream for us. He will bring people around to breath on our dreams, to encourage us, and to give us that push to begin to believe- to hope again.
Finding hope again seems like a heavy journey, but I am walking it out. I don’t know what the end result will be, but I know that it is better than allowing my hope to fail along with my dreams.
Finding hope is learning to trust. Finding hope is making sure the truth is louder than the lies. Finding hope is coming alive again. And I think my dreams are worth it.