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Is There Fear in Love?

I have this rad shirt from a great company called Walk in Love that says “There is no fear in love”.

I was wearing it the other day, and this man stopped me and asked me a question.

“Do you think the opposite is true, that there is no love in fear?”

It took me a few moments to grasp what he was saying to me. I shrugged and said, ” Yeah, I guess it would be.”

Processed with VSCO with hb2 preset

Processed with VSCO with hb2 preset

I have been thinking about that question for the last few days.

Is there no love in fear?

I think the answer is yes, there is no love in fear.

Honestly, if we hold onto fear then how can we love?

To say we love someone is to mean we put their best above our own. Loving someone else means its for them, not for you. True, when we love we get things in return, but us loving someone should always be for their good not out of what we will get from it.

I don’t think that we can love someone with fear in our love.

Fear demands attention, and love is not an attention whore. (Sorry if that is an offensive word but its true).

Fear
verb \ˈfir\
: to be afraid of (something or someone)
: to expect or worry about (something bad or unpleasant)
: to be afraid and worried

Fear looks at love and says. “No. You can not love open handed, you must cling to this with worry, and be scared it will be ripped away.” Never once does fear work in our favor. Fear is always determined to injure, obscure, and down right hurt us. Where love, love is different.

If you have ever been to a wedding you have heard 1 Corinthians 13 read. Heck, if you have watched the movie A Walk to Remember, you have heard that chapter read.

“4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”

Love is always on the move to better others. It never seeks for itself, that is called lust, greed, and more.

Fear and love are not friends.

To fear means we are not loving for the others best. That we are not believing for their good, and maybe that we are just not trusting.

Wait! Now we threw in trust along with love and fear. Things are getting crazy…

Trust is a part of love too. How can you love without trust?

I know that trust comes in all shapes and sizes, but I also know that it is hard to love someone you don’t trust. It makes everything they do suspect. Even worse you begin to think that they do things only to get things in return, and then you start to resent them and then there goes any hope of love.

That lack of trust leads straight back to fear, and there is no love in fear.

But when we couple trust and love together, WOW, things change.

Fear becomes a non-issue because there is trust in our love. When we love from a fear based love, we are not loving at all, instead we are working off the idea that if we mess up there will be a punishment, and that punishment will be no love at all. When we begin to love with trust we don’t look at the motives of people, instead weIMG_3268 look at the people and see them for who they are. We see the heart behind them. More than that we start to recognize what loving them, the individual person, looks like.

Loving the person for who they are. That is what love without fear is.

We have to begin to look at each person, at each heart, and see how they need to be loved. Not the way we want to love them, but how they see love.

That my friends is the hard part.
Loving looks different for each heart.

One person could see love as baking a cake for someone else, while another person sees love as sitting in silence on a couch reading a book. Every heart interprets love differently. They call the way you interpret love “Love Languages”.

There are five love languages and each heart/life can have all of these, or a few of them in varying degrees.

The five love languages are:

  • Words of Affirmation- encouragement, letters
  • Acts of Service- cleaning, help of some kind
  • Receiving Gifts- pretty much explains itself
  • Quality Time- movie watching, coffee date etc.
  • Physical Touch- again, pretty much explains itself

If you go to this website, 5lovelanguages.com, you can take a quiz to find out what your love languages are.

Your love language is really dependent on your personality. Your love language can be a huge surprise to you too. Once you figure out your love language it is a lot easier for you to receive love, and to give it, because you are now aware of why you didn’t see love the way others did, or vice versa.

Now don’t think knowing your love language is going to be a fix all, it takes time to learn how to love from yourself and how to love for others.

It is the golden rule but with a few loop holes. The golden rule is treat others as you would want to be treated, but for this blog, the love golden rule can not be love others as you would want to be loved, but rather love others as they would receive love.

It would make no sense to love some one with an act of service, when they don’t receive love like that.  Why would you not just speak some encouragement to them, if that is there love language, rather than working in their yard for 3 hours?

Loving for others is a whole different ball of wax. Loving for others is sometimes taking a moment, a time out, and refocusing. Loving yourself enough to know that you are about to go ape on your kids, so you take a time out and a moment to breathe. That is loving for others.

Loving for others can also look like you, helping someone else do the exact same thing. Do you know a busy family, and know that they could use a meal one night, or a free kids night, even a coffee break, that is taking the loving game to the next level. That begins to show others how to love for others, as well as simply to show them how to love themselves.

Loving is always giving for their best.

When we as a society begin to look at others and instead of saying, “Oh I like that, so they should too”, we say, “What would bring them the most joy?” “How can I best love them?” that is when our loving will not be fear based.

Our loving will be trust based and we will begin to walk in “there is no fear in love.” And that will be a beautiful thing.

 

 

 

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