You know that moment where you go to do something and you completely come up blank? I mean blank, no semblance of anything in your brain, as to why or what you were going to do, you know that moment?
Well, that has been the moment I have been living in. For weeks. Maybe even months.
I have been living in the in-between. The place where your brain can’t quite wrap around the reality of life, and you are on auto pilot. That’s been me.
It seems I have gone from one place, literally, to another and just sliding through by the skin of my teeth until SPLAT!!! we landed here, at home.
If you need a recap over the last four months I have been in not one, not two, not three, but four countries. I have been home for a grand total of 5 weeks since the beginning of July. Not that I am complaining, I am so grateful to travel and to lead people, I love it. But I had all these plans.
Plans to make writing on here a weekly thing. Plans to clean my place. Plans to read a book, or two. Plans that I felt would be so useful, completely stress free and just magical.
It hasn’t worked that way. My plans. Even though I was given the new Harry Potter book while boarding a plane in Ireland, my plans have not become reality, as of yet.
About a week ago I started a new bible study of 1,2,3 John by She Reads Truth. I needed something to give me a bit of structure in the midst of my chaos.
While I was reading one of the days verses, I was struck by how much I miss using my words to challenge myself, and others to dig deep. I was missing writing on my blog, writing in my journal, and exploring my heart through words.
I thought I was crazy. Then I read a blog that the author was talking about exactly how I felt. That I should do the thing that makes me come alive. For me that is writing. Writing brings a smile to my face, and joy to my heart. It doesn’t even matter to me if no one ever reads it, to know it is out there in the world wide web means it is not bottled up inside me. And that is a freeing thought.
Reading that blog challenged me to make a discipline of writing. This particular author spoke of dying inside without the outlet of what you love. It’s so true. I have been feeling, over the last months, like I was treading water. Stuck in the same spot in the pool, not on the edge with a wall to hold onto, and not in the shallow end, feet touching the floor, but thrown into the deep end, by my own doing, without a unicorn floaty and no lifeguard on duty. I have been waiting for someone else to come alongside and tell me the direction to swim.
Waiting on someone else to point me in the right direction. For what? I am not sure. But it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Needless to say, I have now decided to swim. I am not swimming in long strides but doggy paddling is an option for sure. I am committing to writing, processing, and challenging myself and whoever else wants to join me on this journey. I am committing to move in a direction, until God or a wall stops me. I am looking at having more grace on myself and others, while not allowing faults to hold back what God wants to see done in my life and in the community I surround myself with. I am standing up to say that I am still learning, and that is okay.
These words are attributed to Michelangelo, ancora imparo: Still, I am learning.
That is how I want to live my life. I want to be still learning, even when I am old and move slow. I want to learn all that God wants to teach me, all the I can glean from this life, and even more I want to learn how to love, how to have grace on myself and others, and what it looks like to not know it all.
I long to surround myself with people who are more in love with God than they are with themselves, to come to a table full of messy lives, and not have to clean ourselves up just to get a helping of love. I want to live a loud, messy, grace filled life. I want to be still learning at the end of this age, and as I enter into the age to come I want to look full into the face of Love and recognize some of myself. To finally see fully, knowing that it wasn’t about social media, it wasn’t about fashion, and it sure as hell wasn’t about what side of the political fence I landed on, but that it was about learning, love, and community.
With that, I raise my glass to you, to those that want to journey with me. To those of us that finally want to swim. To those who are willing to take a deep breath and plunge into the deep waters of life. Here’s to us.