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My Sailboat Days


I have never been sailing.

 

Once I went on a boat to deep sea fish, and the thing I remember most about it was eating caramel popcorn crisps. I also remember catching a large fish, which my Dad helped me reel in, but sailing, nope, never done that.

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I have felt, over the last few weeks, like I have been adrift in the ocean. Fully without a sail, or maybe with a sail and there just has been no wind. Nothing to move me from one point to another. No movement in my soul.

 

I was beginning to feel like I had this mad rage building in me. You know that feeling like when you think you are moving and you are using all your might to move, but you still remain in the same place. The wheels are spinning but nothing is happening. Slowly this madness, either you are going crazy or it is legit madness, begins to build in you until there is just anger, frustration, and sadness.

 

What do you do when that happens? What do you do when you feel adrift on an ocean that you didn’t even know you were out on??

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What do you do?

 

For me- I grabbed onto anger and let it rip through me for a good amount of time. I did my best to not let it be unleashed on others, but on me, in my mind, man, it wrecked me.

 

I was walking around fuming at myself for feeling the way I was and for not knowing how to get out of that place. I was adrift. Completely and utterly alone.

 

Funny, how we can be going along in life thinking we are doing well, gaging our souls, looking at the world and thinking we are adjusting, processing well and then get slapped upside the head with our own lack of sight.

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In all of this I was doing by best to work all of this out, but to no avail. I pulled open Romans 1 and began reading. There was no big giant BOOM or something of that sort, but there was a little nudge. I was gently shoved into what Paul was saying about himself. His I am’s of the chapter 1.

 

Paul proclaimed about himself: I am a servant, I am an apostle, I am set apart, and later on he said I am not ashamed. 

 

Those are heavy things to declare about yourself. I don’t think too many of us sit down and check off a list of who we are, nor do we list out for ourselves who we think we are. So Paul’s list here may seem a little bit odd but he is making a point of sharing who he is, and what he is about.

 

As I read this list I had to take a time out to think for myself what my list would hold. Would I have servant on there? Would I choose set apart? Would my gifting even be considered? Who am I? As I set out to write my list, I was struck again by this anger/frustration that was eating at me. It cried out at me, as I set out to write my list, things like failure, mistake, sinner, liar, ashamed, broken, useless, faithless… More and more names were shouted at me from no one but me. I was the one calling myself out. I was the one declaring myself unfit. It was me. Me.

 

It took me aback.

 

How was this possible to be feeling these things about myself, when I thought I was in a great place. A great place with Jesus, great place with people, and a great place with me… but I think I was wrong.

 

Okay, maybe I was just make believing… or hoping… yeah, that was it, I was hoping.

 

My feelings of being adrift were caught in the middle of who I was viewing myself as. Or rather how I was viewing myself. It became an issue of identity for me. Not about whose I was, which is God’s, but who I was to myself.

 

While I drifted about in my sailboat, in my mind and heart, it was because I had no direction to shoot for. No true north. My compass was broken, like Jack Sparrows, and I was spinning my wheels. What I needed was someone to point my ship, set my course, and fix my point to True North.

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A song was running through my head as I was determining in my heart what to do. Ben Rector wrote this great tune called Sailboat. The words are at the end of the blog if you want to read the whole thing but these few lines were what got me.

Oh I’m out in the waves
I’m hoping and praying
Please let this wind blow me home
Night after night there’s an empty horizon
And my God do I feel so alone
Sometimes life, most times I, feel just like a sailboat

It was so true for me. I felt lost at sea, but I needed, no, I wanted the horizon to tell me what I should do, where I should go, how I should get there. But that was not it’s job. The horizon will only ever guide you home, if you are set on the right course. Otherwise the horizon will look back at you and blink, with nothing to show you but more nothingness.

 

That is how this life is. We look to so many other things to direct us, to determine our steps, to point us north. Nothing and no one can do that for us but Jesus. We have to set our hearts to North. We have to adjust our path and fix our eyes. We have to do that.

 

Being lost at sea is scary. Both in reality and in my mind. There is nothing that you can do but hope and pray for a rescue. So that is what I did my friends, I prayed for a rescue. For an assist. A little nudge to go in the right direction. And you know what, I got it.

 

I sat down to write out my list of I am’s and was listening to the new Housefires album, do yourself a solid and grab that album up, and the song Lifter came on. That was my assist. That was my hand out of the gutter, my north star in the sky. There I was fixing on the depth of my grossness, or what I thought it was, fixing my eyes on the horizon of nothing and there was God, gently nudging my head up to fix my eyes, to set my course, to plot my path to True North.

 

Isn’t it so like God to be the silent lifter of our heads? The light touch of grace? The mercy of a rescue? Yes. Yes, it is.

 

I am not saying I am on dry land, yet, but I know that my course is being charted with True North at the point. I have determined to set my sails toward Christ. To truly fix my eyes on Him, not just say that I am, but really fix my eyes, set my path, and determine my course by Him. By His hand, and by His voice.

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My sailboat days are not over, but I am going to make sure that while I may be adrift, I will not be drifting away but toward. Toward the point. Toward Christ. Toward my True North.


 

 

“Sailboat”

I feel just like a sailboat
I don’t know where I’m headed
But you can’t make the wind blow
From a sailboat

I have seen the sun
Felt the rain on my skin
I’ve been lost and found
But mostly I’ve been waiting

Oh I’m out in the waves
I’m hoping and praying
Please let this wind blow me home
Night after night there’s an empty horizon
And my God do I feel so alone
Sometimes life, most times I, feel just like a sailboat

I’m pretty sure I’m heard
At least I know I’m speaking
But I feel like a fool
Cause I can’t hear you listening

But I’m not giving up
Oh I will move on forward
I’m gonna raise my sail
God knows what I’m headed towards

Oh I’m out in the waves
I’m hoping and praying
Please let this wind blow me home
Night after night there’s an empty horizon
And my God do I feel so alone
Sometimes life, and most times I, feel just like a sailboat

The only change I see
Lost or found, let’s see
The only difference is believing I’ll make it in

Oh I’m out in the waves
I’m hoping and praying
Please let this wind blow me home
Night after night there’s an empty horizon
My God, do I feel so alone
Sometimes life, most times I, feel just like a sailboat

 

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