Can I be real and raw with you?
Tonight I found myself crying. Without any forewarning tears began to stream down my face. Each one a tiny drop of betrayal. Each one signaling the rest to follow with a shout of freedom.
I had no idea why I was crying, at first.
It seems when you get all tangled up inside, and finally find a quick minute to stop, look and listen to your heart, you find yourself with tears running wild down your face.
I had gotten all tangled up inside by the multiple voices telling me which way to go, how to be, what way to look, what my life should be, and what I should or shouldn’t be feeling. Like I said, I was tangled up.
Okay, correction, I am still tangled up a bit.
My tangling started out of the least likely source. A shirt.
Yep, a shirt. Not just any shirt, mind you, a Christmas shirt. This particular shirt is red with a sequined Christmas Tree in the middle complete with ornaments and a gold star on the top.
I keep this long sleeve red shirt in the back of my drawer, under every other shirt, and hidden from sight most days. Until yesterday.
Yesterday I got it in my head to open the drawers and clean out the needless amount of shirts I tend to accumulate. That’s when I found it. Staring at me with its faded color, and bold statement.
This shirt once belonged to my Nana.
It is loud, larger, and in your face, basically just as she was.
And there it was. Smelling faintly of her cedar wood closet, and bringing about my tangle of feelings.
Do you ever put things away thinking it’s better that way? Thinking you can keep those feelings safe, in a box, not to be tarnished by light and away from prying eyes.
That’s what my intentions were with this shirt. To keep it safe, so that I could take my time, in my own way, to feel.
It didn’t work.
One feel of the fabric, one glance at the green of the ridiculously flashy tree, that one second where my eyes connected with its bright red color, and a torrent of emotions came flooding back.
The moment they told me she was not long for this world, the feel of her hand holding mine, the looks of pity as you explain that her beautiful heart is gone. Tears. So many tears.
So many people try to stomp down their brokenness, they spend all there time hiding things at the back of their closets. People take the move on statement to mean you have to be done feeling now. I want to tell you it’s okay.
It’s okay to be sad.
It’s okay to let the tears fall, and the feelings to come. It’s okay to look into the eyes of someone and feel so much love for them that tears come. It’s good to have people who matter, because it matters.
It matters that a life that was here for 70 years is gone.
It matters that you feel broken.
It matters that you feel alone.
These things matter. And that’s okay.
There is a difference between letting go, and letting something disappear.
Letting go means you see the reality, it sucks, but we can and will keep going. Letting something disappear means you let it go, and act as though it never was.
Too many of us think we are doing a great job dealing with our stuff but really all we have been doing is hiding it in the back of our drawer, letting it disappear, and without fail it will pop up at you and steal the very breath out of your lungs.
Friends, I am thankful today for the tears. Tears of remembering a life. Tears from a grateful heart of missing my family. Tears out of an abundance of hope for a future that is gonna be AMAZING!!!
Tears suck, but tears show life.
We will be okay. We will keep loving, living, and building life together.
Know you are not alone, it’s okay to be sad, to let go and keep living, and to take a quick minute to feel.
Come out of hiding, and join the many broken hearts that keep beating.
Still, I am learning,